5 Things I Experienced Microdosing Magic Mushrooms for PTSD
Without getting too far into the science behind it, Psilocybin Magic Mushrooms at a therapeutic dose, with clear intention, can activate an increased communication between different parts of the brain. This can prime us to learn new things, see things from new perspectives, and establish a more optimal normal state.
Generally, people do not "get high" at a microdose. Instead of mentally escaping problems, they can actually intensify what is already there so that we see what needs to be seen. This is done in a gentle way at the microdose level. We still feel all the feelings, maybe more so. And at the same time feel much more supported to be curious about what we feel. Feel empowered by a sense of an inner parent or Higher self to cheer us on while we process.
I am a champion of Psychedelic Plant Medicines when used appropriately. When they are used by people who feel called and ready to take responsibility for the process. When used for personal healing, knowing oneself, and giving back to Earth and to those around us in novel ways.
I believe in setting an intention before working ritually with a plant. My intention was to be more grounded, as I have the tendancy to be a bit lost in ideas and daydreams rather than bring them into being.
During my last period of microdosing these were five things I noticed.
1. Renewed Courage about Dreams and Goals
When I contemplated a goal or dream for the future, the inner voice didn't jump in to tell me all the reasons why my plans would fail. Don't get me wrong; that voice was still there trying to keep me safe, but it seemed more distant and less aggressive. Forgotten inspirations would pop in mind and excitement about writing and painting projects I had started but lost interest in. There is no "what if this bombs" feeling to the creation process.
I found myself saying "I wonder if this will work?" or "I bet that would turn out cool". There is a part of you saying "I can do this!" to the part of you that doesn't think so. This is different than false bravado that people experience with consciousness-lowering drugs and alcohol, where inhibitions are thrown to the wind.
With this you have a full experience of the parts that are unsure, along the parts that are really strong and curious. So you're working through it but with assistance.
2. A Teaching on the Small Ego
A perspective I could see through with the microdose was that the ego's job is to present a worse-case scenario about anything it can and try to help us stay alive using that perspective. It's not trying to hurt you, just get your attention.
Microdosing puts things into slow-motion so that you can see this playing out in real time.
Example: I get an idea. I then slowly and softly notice the small ego shouting a worse case scenario. But here's where the help from the mushrooms come in: before I get carried away with that fearful perspective, I still am in a calm space. I see it coming. Before it gets close enough to become really rattling, I mentally respond "oh that's the worse-case scenario with 0.01 percent of a chance of coming true."
I've buffered a lie long before it lands and burrows into my path.
3. PTSD Brain Patterns can Be Altered
This one is specific to PTSD people. You are my people! I am someone who has been working on PTSD healing for a long while. I believe that the first steps involve a lot of therapeautic support and go-to relaxation techniques such as breathing, taking breaks from overstimulation, sensory somatic exercises etc.
Besides these wonderful things, there needs to be a correction or interruption of the loop in thinking patterns that work with the body to trigger unpleasant symptoms. Microdosing can do some creative things here. I can't promise any specifics but I can say what I experienced.
If a blast of energy hits and causes PTSD symptoms, I feel it in my gut. It feels sharp and painful, and stops me in my tracks until I stop what I am doing and tend to it. While microdosing, instead of a sharp pain, I experienced a pressure and a buzzing in my gut.
Instead of working with a system on full alert and full pain, I was working with a system that was more gentle. I could name what I was feeling and what triggered it, but not get carried downstream. Buzzing and pressure is quite easy to work with and be curious about. Extreme pain can make you dissociate or depersonalize, depending on your condition.
If you get PTSD symptoms that can be a 9 or 10/10, you will find that symptoms at a 5/10 are still a lot of work. but much more doable.
Later on when no longer microdosing, you have a body memory on board. A newly ingrained sense of "I can do this well, I have been doing this well, I am now experienced in doing this really well" etc. You are training yourself with the help of the plant.
4. The Inner Parent is Here
The Inner Parent is here and mushrooms are showing me that the Inner Parent has always been here. The mushrooms provided the spotlight or awareness.
This one is really hard to put into words and is intensely personal. I will try. As a child my experience was often that of aloneness, feeling misunderstood, and very frightened. As an adult, I have tended to do things myself to be sure things were taken care of, something many people can relate to. Therefore, much of my own inner child healing has focused on finding the Inner Parent.
Microdosing has the aspect of increased communication between different parts of the brain. One part meets another part. Parts do not grow together in the presence of stress as a child. This is sad but true and the healing journey for many is to return to a place of safety, even if we do not know or remember what that feels like.
You know how it feels when someone who is really caring gives you a hug? Not their physical arms, but the sensation that is activated in you because they hugged you. When meditating, that sensation automatically would arise in me, even though I was alone with myself. My own self is hugging my own self. (!) Someone big and safe is there to companion parts that don't feel well. It's you..and you!
5. Ability to Gain from Pain
You have probably heard this Kahlil Gibran gem:
"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain."
Psychedelics can allow one to have a different perspective of their pain or condition. This is very freeing, even if the condition does not change.
I am no stranger to physical pain. It has come and gone in my adult life in the flavor of gynecological issues. It can come intensely for weeks and spontaneously disappear. Like many of you pain has been one of my greatest teachers.
While microdosing, pain did poke her head in. Shockingly, I was experiencing pain deeper and more nuanced than ever. It seemed I could feel it into certain layers of body tissue and along nerve lines that I had never noticed. Deep physical pain.
Almost mystically, I didn't instantly lose my breath. I did not partially check out. I did not squirm like usual before registering what was going on.
It was as though I was feeling more deeply this pain than ever, and in subtle parts of my body I had never felt, and yet was simultaneously with super-sensible strength of that Inner Parent to hold steadier than I ever had. I didn't have to work the same degree to stay present; I was naturally present. It was like I was carrying a slice of heaven and a slice of hell in my own body at the same time, and I was both the witness and experiencer of this pain.
My reflections on my own womb pain are for another day. However, the ability to stay awake and present to this degree during the pain gave me the opportunity to actually take insight from it and in so doing, gain from the pain. There was the opportunity to more clearly ask "what is this pain teaching me? What does my body want me to know?"
Pharmaceuticals create an barrier to our sensitivity and therefore prevent insight. How do I know this? Becuase I spent 8 years on many different anti-depressants.
When used carefully, plants such as mushrooms provide the connection and presence of the higher world temporarily while we are on the protocol so that we can move through things and actually gain. When the protocol is over we have a different experience to draw on and increased faith in connection and healing that will move forward with us. New neuropathways have been formed.
The psychedelic plant medicines might not heal you the way you would like but they will help you and they will get your attention. Change will be facilitated. It's about expanding consciousness, not miracle cures. Spirit decides in what order things get healed.
Finally: Reciprocity is not requested, it’s required – not because they are demanding, but because there must be a balance of the dance of giving and taking. (Kat Courtney)
How do we "give back" to the plant world? Share your art, poetry, insights, spontaneously inspired cooking...with the others. Not everyone has the opportunity to work closely with psychedelic plants, how can we use what we learn and have created to share the wealth around? Make a heartfelt offering to the Earth, signalling that you recognize and honor the plants that have been harvested that have contributed to your journey. Create beauty in your yard with loving care and attention. Pray for all sentient beings. Or...
You'll just know intuitively how to give back.
Journey Well.
This is a fabulous article that dives deeply into Microdosing: